When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I was devastated. I thought it was a prison sentence. So many women tell you to "wait" and enjoy your marriage. They tell you when babies come your life is over. So you can imagine, I'm 24 years old and all the voices of these older women echoing in my head as I read the 2 bold lines on that pregnancy tests. I was afraid, I was selfish. Even though I was married, and a college graduate these were my first feelings when I found out that I was expecting. It wasn't until I had some complications early in pregnancy that changed my ungrateful and fearful heart! Her heartbeat changed everything. Her heartbeat silenced the voices that fueled the fear. I'm thankful for that sound. Hearing Harmony's Heartbeat changed my life. Literally. It was a spiritual awakening moment. I cried happy tears for the first time.
After crying for hours.. I called my mom and told her! She of course did what every mother does and lifted me up in my brokenness and reminded me that motherhood was gift from God. I was thankful for that call.
I define motherhood as an innate process of nurture. It is the ultimate gift God has given women to partake in. It is the gift that reminds us that we too were created in His image. Motherhood is a right of passage that helps us to see the world through God's eyes. How he loves, how he corrects, how he inspires. Motherhood is not who we are as women.. it is separate. But when our time comes to become a mother it is in the consumption of being a mother that empowers us to be better women.
My baby girl was a honeymoon baby! She was definitely not planned. I DO NOT miss my belly, It was cute for the first week until you can't fit clothes or shave your legs! Then it's gets really interesting.. plus it's hard to sleep and I love sleeping on my stomach so you can imagine my love hate relationship with my belly.
Our name picking process was quite interesting. My husband had a dream while we were dating that we had a daughter named Harmony! So he gave her her name. Her middle name means light and I love the way it sounds with her three syllable first name ( that matters to writers).
The pros of motherhood is having cuddle buddy forever ,Inspiration at your best, learning love, patience, kindness and purpose. Cons to motherhood Sleepless nights and sharing food 24/7 job.
My morning sickness was thee worst!!! I threw up everyday for 6 months straight. Surprising what helped with my morning sickness was pickle juice and cucumbers and tomatoes doused in malt vinegar and salt and pepper. The acid in the vinegar settle my stomach. On the more aggressive days I took Zantac.
My ultimate cravings were Mexican food (specifically refried beans and rice) and watermelon!!!
My mom will tell you that I was a momzilla, but I was not! Lol my God mother's , my mom and mother in law put it together. The bridal shower was awesome! Full of love! Her theme was Wild flowers.
" For every mountain" gospel song and " The Prince of Egypt" Movie would both sum up my Motherhood experience this far.
To be honest, I am still learning the balance between motherhood, self, and marriage. My husband has extended so much grace during this season. He understand learning to juggle is not an easy tasks. I'm thankful for his unending support and understanding.
As a black woman raising another black woman I would say the first emotional response is Anger, Anxiety (fear), sadness. But as a believer in Jesus Christ in the mist of the chaos I feel hope, I have the opportunity raise a change agent. One that knows that love and fear can not share the same space. That love and hate are not rivals but that love will always win! I have choice in how I choose to raise her. To fear no one but to love everyone! I have realized if I allow myself to be influenced by the first initial emotional responses that there will not be a true move of power in the right direction. I plan to teach Harmony that it's okay to acknowledge that we feel things like fear, anger, and sadness but it not our responsibility to give them refuge inside of us.
The day of birth was exciting!!! It was not what I expected! There was a grace to labor calmly and then it got real. I had preeclampsia so my labor was intensified with pitocin. I did receive and epidural but it wore off! Lol and I did have her vaginal it was a life changing experience. A strength in me was revealed I had never know. It was amazing!
Motherhood has taught me many things but the biggest lesson is that God always gives us great gifts and tools in the times we need them the most. I needed Harmony. She came at a time when I was afraid to live to the fullest. I was living behind accomplishments and gifting. She forced me to step out and trust the lord and go on journey to really find who I was and what God created me for. Motherhood gave me a mirror to see myself as I truly was.. which was fearful.. and then it offered me a way
Do I wish I would have waited? That's a trick question! lol I don't regret my journey. If Harmony would have came later, it probably would have been harder to leave my job to stay home with her. God gave her to us at the perfect moment. So with that being said I don't wish wish I would have waited.
One lesson that I hold on to is that you don't become a wife per say over night. It's a process. Yield yourself to that process and allow your self to become a wife.
When he popped the question it was at our church after a play. He was acting a little weird so I had hunch. And yes all of my friends and family were there. It was a night to remember.
Actually when we met. We were just friends. Did ministry things together. Never had a interests in him. Until he confessed his affections towards me. And I realized that he had been a great friend through times when he could have manipulated me. That's when I knew I was "open" to learning more about him in an affectionate way.
Our Wedding was beautiful, a moment I will remember forever. Seeing him at the altar was nerve wrecking, seeing my ride or dies crying as I walked down aisle was the best, holding my daddy's hand at the end of the aisle was a defining moment in our relationship and hearing Josiah's vows was heartbreaking in the most positive way! It was great.
Lastly, the advice I would give to anyone who is looking to find the love, I would say the best was to be "found" is to be found in a place of know who you are. Who God says that you are and who you are not. There's no better way to be found than to be found in a place of know. Because when you know, the things compromised aren't detrimental.. they are negotiable. Being found is also a big piece of advice. A man on a pursuit will pursue. Don't manipulate nor seek out a man to pursue you. You don't want that manipulation to backfire on you. Enjoy your season of self.. find the lord. Trust his timing.. live boldly. There's no better way to be found.